Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
