I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I love having hate sex.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
