He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
This house was built for laser tag.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
