I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
