there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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