Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
