We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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