and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
