Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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