How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
