If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
