dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
