wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
