I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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