My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
