i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
