I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
