i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
