I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It's shark week go big or go home
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
