when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
