Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
