Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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