she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
