im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
