My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
