so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
