i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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