I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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