Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
