I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He felt like a one man threesome
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
