Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
