so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
