Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
