The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
