i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
