Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
