I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I want her autograph on my taint
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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