My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
