I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
