you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
