i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
