dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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