It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
