Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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