She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
