Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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