I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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