Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
