So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
