The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
