I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
